abandonment never hurts any less
whether it is warranted or not
and even though this seems to be the way
my life always goes
somehow it always comes unexpected
comfort is nothing but a twisted enemy
by now yes I really should know
if I could only be different
change what is carved into my baseline character
maybe I could hold all the pieces better together
no more chaos only peace
no more mistakes only acts of esteem
because god forbid poor choices happen sometimes
but let me ask you have I ever lied?
if you knew me at all you would know
the answer is no
I am who I am
never been skilled at hiding behind any density of armour
it is so very easy to twist association into blame when
the facts are not ever sought
I get it
I know
out of sight
out of mind
it is easy to paint me as wild, unruly
rebel without a cause
somehow every version leaves out the heart of gold
behind the broken mind
how easily reduced to our worst qualities we can become
angry and vile
victim and target
of weaponized implications of malicious intent when
no one spreading the venom was present at the time of the event
when will I learn that the control will never be my own?
one day maybe I will no longer have to depend on a comeback
instead I will know how to not let myself fall
sliding down the sharp jagged rocks lining the ever narrowing path
the peak of this cliff I keep climbing continuously looming over my life
not even moving forward anymore
remember expect nothing from every person you may meet
everyone leaves eventually
and maybe it is just my personality
or my propensity for attracting chaos
the attraction to delinquency and
just enough deceit to feed the manic energy
I can never contain for quite long enough
to stay on the right side of sanity
it would not matter
could I only hold onto some shred of self-knowledge or
purpose or
path forward to a
goal set only by my own standard
but my life I have lived only ever for the benefit of everyone else so
where to go from here?
stand alone against adversity
even if some if it may be warranted or
run backwards in fear
into arms that may never be fully equipped to handle my energy
it has never been in my nature to hold onto truth in silence
to not take every instance of conflict as a reason to be jaded
hide away forever
maybe if I stop speaking
I could disappear completely
never be bothersome to anyone again
no one would miss me
or notice my absence
just another reason to put a shotgun to my head
now is time to wait
and work
and live without an audience
concepts that make my blood boil
and pull the color from my skin
but if I can make it out of this
finally reach the top
at least I will know with certainty
what sits inside me
and become a person who no longer brings a
looming grey cloud of
destruction and annihilation
wherever they may go
change me for me
and if I can prove some people wrong
on the way up the mountain
just a cherry on top
of the fuck you cake
served up
to anyone who decided to sit idly by
or leave my life
instead of believing the good radiating from inside
Scattering Ashes Everything, Everywhere, All at Once 