it is not a shock to me
that I lie here all alone
once again surrounded
by the wreckage created on my own
as much as it pains my heart
to hear the truth lining the pathway out
to sullenly rely upon gracious helping hands
abound
the only obvious conclusion
that I burned them all out
attention seeking behavior
once again driven sanity to fallout
maybe misunderstanding is indicative of
lack of care or
attention or
interest in the facts but
it is more than mere coincidence
that leaves me othered again
the only common denominator
stares me back eye to eye
the perpetrator of my suffering
has been but thine own hands
comfort thy own worst enemy
I know far too much first hand
how to hide the crazy not ever quite enough
the two visceral sides of my nature
never fitting together
not ever
without enormous work to seal up
the cracks slowly splintering outward
at risk of the chaotic screaming
spilling all the way out
rumors have a nifty way of replacing misplaced intentions with doubt
lies are easy to spread when
your sanity is already unraveling
in the most loudest of fashions possible
my heart knows no deceit
nor my lips any filter
for in my experience lies have a way of
pulling themselves apart
even without help from the careless mind
nor any malicious crusader hell bent on revealing the truth
but maybe there is a note to be taken
on privacy and keeping the cards close
to the chest
for no one may understand fully
the depth of the violent abscess
that drains all the glow of my still battered heart
reputation is a cloak that fits haphazardly
on a frame built so wrong for the darkness
latching onto the caricature painted on my soul a minacious art
a role this disquieted soul was never born to play
but yet each time around gaining more familiarity
a villain just an anti-hero fledgeling in the making
begging for a quest to show the next indicated steps taken in the shadows
living secretly and biding time
repent for the crimes
even ones mistaken
empires rise
good deeds take time to
see the light of day
fire can be a cleansing ritual
jumpstart a new ecosystem
just remember at the start
to control the burn so that it is not for nought
image is built to be manipulated
tainted and buried beneath
dirt dug up to benefit the spreading of conveniently strung together suppositions
passed off insistintly as facts
and the more violent the tear away from the lined path the easier the picture is painted
without any proof to be sought after
fear and desperation doth always prevail
but no more shall I drag asunder any other lost souls to the depths of hell
the devil’s playground a carnival built only for
thine sinister childlike wonder to dance in the toxic waste rain showers
mixing my blood in with the black ink wishing well
there is no doubt that I might just prevail
manic mad blueflame pixie
steadfast in raising some hell
all the while clipping the self-fulfilling prophecy
no more spiraling blindly destructive
all-encompassing tendencies
to burn out all the bright stars in the sky
reducing the vibrant galaxy to the black hole
lying in the deep recesses of my mind
burning out all the light in the world
never accomplished anything though
except to stitch my cold bitter heart back into
the hardened caccoon
one day I doth desire to open colorful wings to fly away
from the tragedy stricken weighted down tumultuous history I viciously wish to erase
to make myself whole
grace every living soul
with only kindness and joy in place
Scattering Ashes Everything, Everywhere, All at Once 