I love you so much

I could kill you

all in an effort to keep you

I know it’s my fault

my fear

my doubt

my unresolved trauma making me act out

fuck I need you

to keep my heart beating

the stakes are too high to indulge any freedom

what if this time you don’t come back?

I wrap my fingers around your neck

and squeeze until you go black.

bar over the windows

barricade the door

maybe if you were less skiddish

relaxed a bit more

seemed less suspicious

more distant than before.

then no more need

to bludgeon & abhor technologies

devices of déception

you use against me

nor engage in violent warning displays

shoot fire aim accidentally

don’t worry you’re safe here

can’t you see?

you are the one planting the crazy

ideas in my head

forcing my hand

Making me chase you again & again

constantly coaxing the demon out of me

you think I like playing these cat & mouse games?

or the way your body stiffens whenI lay my hand on your leg?

I don’t know how to do this

no one showed me the way

I was not raised to know kindness

only anger and rage.

this road to hell we’re on paved

with only the best of intentions

but you dance around on all my buttons like

you’re trying to summon

incite destruction

put up a fight

nothing ever goes to plan

I would never dream of hurting you

but please understand

I’d rather I lose you unmidigatedly

body found

bloodied beaten & bound

At mine hands having drowned

facing the monster in the mirror

a mad mockery of me

I know this is my fault

It always will be

so you see

If I am to lose you forever admittedly

violence in betrayal only of me

ought better received

than accepting debilitating responsibility

the harsh reality

off my igniting your desire to flee.

thus can be the twisted torture of the abuser mentality.