you say you love me

do anything to keep me

keep apologizing and promising you will change

but frankly I do not see it amounting to much if anything else

because I cannot even count how many tears

I have shed over callous hateful things you have said

most of which you do not even remember

leave three times a day

just to beg your way back

or worse even

act like nothing even transpired

like I do not wake every morning in fear of

who I wake up next to

is it you

the one I fell in love with

or the monster in his place?

will those sinister seductive deadly addictive eyes

recognize the unconditional love in mine?

or will they turn cold and calculated

without as much as a second thought

to the person you claim to see but obviously do not.

if this is love

I would be good enough

without having to explain why

my smile falters sometimes

and my every move would not be

held up to such rigorous scrutiny

by a beholder hell bent blinded

by the hellfire red lens of deception.

expect the worst

hope for the best

right?

but the game we play is with loaded dice only you can employ.

to execute mass destruction on every last little shred of lasting light

waning quickly behind my eyes

the rules are plenty

with more to come

as the players become more advanced

a twisted evading disquieting game of captive chess

nothing am I allowed to know

a tight strip of long stay duct tape

conveniently securing my lips to each other

zip ties etching lasting rough edges into my wrists

double lain blindfolds enveloping

my sea sick treading for dear life wet brain

in a never ending devoid black hole

an unwilling and obviously incapable contender

forced to play my way out unscathed

all for your paper mache heart

but without it I fear I have nothing left

I love you

at my dismay

despite all the reservations I hold

I let myself fall for you

in my ultimate wisdom I suppose.

but I should have guessed

no one has ever loved me

or at the very least not the way love should be

blindly and charged with electricity borderline hyperactivity

without the expectation of pain

I make a good punching bag

always willing to sacrifice who I am for you

swallow my hate

dissociate

to prevent the spiraling thoughts to come

believe what you say

for at the very least argument’s sake

an exercise in futility to eradicate any reason to ever worry

that you are merely another in a long line of mistakes

lessons I inevitably have to take

another hard grain of salt eating away at my brain

every time there is someone new

I am forced to walk across

convincing myself I am not worthy

of love

or even positive thought

not like everyone else

because I am built to serve

supposed to take care of you

even at the expense of my own sanity

not deserving of bare basic benefit of the doubt

guilty by default.

forced to carry a binded book of concrete evidentiary support

even a play act of trust just twisted stacked up and skewed

obviously misconstrued claimed observance of behavior

values and character overwrought and dripping with preconceived notions

bleeding dry a mistaken enemy of war

with misplaced fear fueled anger whilst utilizing heavy battle armour

to slay an adversary laying barren and blinded

sent into battle unbeknownst of the war zone stepped into

keep taking my inventory I dare you

it will never aid you in dissecting and shedding your own misery though

and while you still hold onto that so hard

clenched between fisted hands

unwilling to set down arms

us is but a fruitless futile venture

this pattern will continue to repeat thus so

rinse and repeat

to and fro

a harsh quick vicious cycle

breaking my heart

beating it bloody

more and more each time

until eventually the faint fading feathered beating of my heart

begs to finally stop.

I do not wish to play anymore

believe me if you can muster it

but if you cannot

I refuse to live trapped tightly inside of a maximum security box

a specific genre of lady

fit to your every content

walking on eggshells

living in fear

of the blind unrelenting rage cage

escaping the container of space entwining our treachery together

never knowing the right or wrong thing to say

but being punished anyway

for simply saying nothing at all

I try to explain all my misery to you

collect every wayward laying shard of glass

paint a pretty morose melancholy picture

to capture the awkward and ever evading ill-fitted essence of my soul

just for you to give me an uncomfortable

borderline hostile stern look and

belittle my trauma by saying it is a lot to unpack.

I show you the music my heart skips a beat to

and all you can think is to attack

love me or do not

but I cannot live in a war zone

so change must be now and with haste.

I cannot keep running toward toxicity

dressed in a beautiful dark horse mysterious face

a self-sabotaging fulfilling prophecy

in which I refuse to participate

find a reason to push me away

that is your go to

just as long as it serves and protects your bruised brain

guilt makes no noise unless spoken up right?

allow accountability to become blame

may denial continue to free up brain space

if you love me the way you say you do

it would show through

in grace and patience

transparency in intentions

clear communicative composure when conducting behavior

especially when in uncomfortable or frustrating situations.

your apologies have lost their appeal

empty promises tainting the view

of what you claim I mean to you

it is like hurting me somehow revitalizes you

or rather the permanence of the sever of ties is of utmost importance.

as if my selection of you as my savior is not enough to deem it true

all I want in the world is to be happy with you

maybe that is the problem quite plainly

the cake I never seem to get to hold fondly

God forbid ever eat a piece

instead I watch as you torture yourself in futile vicious pursuit

self-mutilation at its most extreme

to leave me shaking in my boots.

though reluctant in reality

empty threats balled up and hurled designed purely to wound

the sincerity lingering when you call me crazy

the cause of all the problems that arise

wish me distress disarray death detonation

the bark much more intense than the bite

it does not stop the ponderance that comes with each passing day

how often that the good days

apologies made

promises to change

complimentary musings

are lies as well

or maybe the cruelty is merely pent up resentments

boiling over due to pressure

maybe I am the bad egg

I cannot stay somewhere I am not welcome

so it is time to cut my losses

for you to learn your words have impact

you want me gone so thy will be done

quietly and without consequence

even though it means home will evade me

for I have not felt at home until I rested my head against your heart

broken and bleeding tiresome from fleeing

the only soul I have ever felt aligned to

leave you your chaos

show it the door

that you left open

for the demons to all enter

may they exit once more

I wish you nothing but peace in this absence

clarity albeit.

need me no more

my soul bleeds black and blue

no light left to squeeze forth

to re enter the nightmare closely escaped from

the chapter before

may the erasure of us be painless and simple

I wish nothing more

than to exit this bundle of pages put forth

without any obtrusion on plot

or ponder of disresolution heretofore

replaced all instead with exposition lain over

stitch together the misery with anonymous whispers

of what could have beens

shreds of ashes that collect amongst both our ankles

of vacant faraway regretful reminders

of two broken black cracked stone hearts

that may stop beating altogether

run backwards from the start

to rewind the stop clock that hooks together

your destruction and my fragile desperate deconstruction

so that we are both left with only the parts

that make alone obtuse and unkind but not the least bit overwhelming

bear but in mind

though we both lay drowning

it be for the best

shattered souls not worth saving

only at the demise of all those who do keep trying

sleep easy my dear

it is your story once more

say it loud

say it clear

pray you to find whatever holds you near

I am done putting out the fire

replacing everything with fear

everything I touch turns to ugly and rot

both of which I know in your heart you are not

I love you forever

even if all I am is someone to blame

I am happy to fill a role

but you cannot have it both ways

guilt is a great motivator to make an adversary out of a comrad

you are only capable of how you feel about yourself

so maybe you are right and you do not deserve me

but only because you never did the work to try

there are so many better ways to go about this than reducing

me to merely a conglameration of only my worst possible traits

goodbye

best of luck

alone seems the safest

so no more lives we may fuck up.