I can feel it happening again

slipping away from the world

back into the room I have been in before but

do not remember

a prison of my making

a vacuum that sucks my tongue from

my mouth and

rips out my vocal chords so

when I scream no sound may come out.

where no one and nothing

can make the beat of my heart slow

maybe some brief reprieve

but the chorus of screeching may never quiet

and I would give anything for the pounding

heartbeat in my ears to stop.

forever.

every little thing feels like everest and

I can no longer even see the top

all contained within walls built

brick by brick by my own bloody hands and

all I can hear is the ticking of the clock

attached to a bomb I did not plant

but my blood boils at the sound

and silence consumes me everywhere but my brain

and I am banging on my skull to get out

when I am the only one who can unlock the deadbolted door

with limited time before

fire tears my limbs apart

but I do not know at what time the

countdown started and

I cannot find the keys to get out.

I love you

I’m sorry

I do not know what to do

you cannot help me because I am both

captor and captive

and the hostage situation is a fabrication of

the demon eating away at my brain and

this box that I am in does not even exist

to the naked eye of any onlooker outside of this cage and

I am desperate but not in the right way and

what if I cannot ever break these chains but

breaking them in may be the end of my life?

I can no longer see a way out.

this happens sometimes

more often than not

I love you but

it is not enough this time

hopefully the countdown has enough seconds for

me to sleep on it and wake up tomorrow.

my one last dying wish to stretch out the time

and batter my heart to

squeeze out enough beats for

the spaces between these

haphazardly lain bricks to let in streaming rays of hope.

that tomorrow might just come

enough tomorrows for this war to finally be won

I yearn for the world to gain back color and shimmering light

for my brain to no longer be a cage I am trapped within which

for clarity to seem more synonymous with

freedom than incarceration and

for this to once again become a room I was once in

and cannot remember.