and I do not know how many times through tear stained eyes

I have said I am fine

because even though it is lies

no one wants to hear the truth

I cannot do this thing called life anymore

please mom can you understand

dad it is over for me I am afraid

nothing is worth it in the end

I do not know how to love me

no one else does not really and

when I say I do not want this life

I get judgement wrapped in pity like

“a bright girl like you?”

“life is a gift you know do not take it for granted”

“even at birth you cheated deaths icy breath”

“how do you have PTSD you lived such a sheltered life”

like privilege somehow equals happy.

well maybe I do not deserve this trauma I experienced

because the puddle I am drowning in can never compare to your lake but

ocean or kiddy pool

drowning is drowning and

how I may feel although unnatural and borderline selfish

do not you know I can tell how unholy it is?

that based on my station of birth

factors of circumstance

status earned

the weight of the world I should never be feeling

crushing down on these shoulders

weakening under this burden that has

never been my own to carry

or even so notice

but yet here I lay before you

battered and broken

by forsaken forbidden wars of the heart

that I know is unfair to the coveted few

of the heart-stricken and famished utterly underprivileged for whom

dying and prodding and wanting the view

of the bright shiny lights that privilege construe

to be progress no

perfection oh

why?

is there any discernable difference between

racism and prejudice or

sexism and discrimination

maybe take your hands off my trauma darlin

just for a second

for you do not know the pain that lives behind these sweet sinister eyes

nor the gut wrenching feeling poking and prodding behind

this rib cage constructed from lies.

that hides even the most minute of cries

of help into the abyss of the tortured mind

disallowed to even claim ownership over something as insignificant

as experiences that shaped the character dusted with fate

of no stars aligning brightly in the clear blue sky

maybe for the opportune chosen few the rainbow bridge illuminating the life

that is to be had

a true blue obvious product of direction and determination to

discard all the nonsense

a man in search of meaning of

only the substance of his impact

not only on all those who surround him but

big picture analyses and obtuse calculations of

value to benefit all the next generations

so on and so forth to

bask in the actions of those right before he who

took on the task to reform and conduct

routine surgery to the speculant and fickle and

spick albeit self-seeking tendencies of everyone else.

to blindly ignore the rest who implore

a deeper understanding of their own human psyche

especially when to a destructive regressing degree

attention seeking behavior replacing the cavalry of purpose commitment

diligence wisdom

brooding intuition

so let my heart beat be still.

let my mind unravel freely

all in labor still

to discard my spill

of precious forlorn toxicity

let the earth rotate past the sill

my soul be placed atop without any action of my own free will

recognition or permissions asked

disregard the potentiality of this torrid life without which

of the tasks asked of me may finally be held by

my cold bitter hands

at least in death

there will be no more questions or

high mighty renderings of a long lost soul without any destiny

due earthly still to the mother that bounds thee

hopefully now peace may become me.